Politics » Andy Martello » Elections 10 demands to get my vote
A friend of mine once described my writing style as Hunter S. Thompson meets Hemingway. He did not specify Ernest or Mariel Hemingway, but I thought it to be an interesting thing to say. I told him to go easy on the Guinness & shots for awhile.
Most of the real issues that concern American citizens, no matter how
common or important, will never be sexy enough to catch the headlines.
I may as well give you my wish list of issues I want to see politicians
discuss. These will be just as ignored as the others, so why not?
I will vote for ANY CANDIDATE that can promise to make these things happen.
1) I dont want to pay the postage on my tax return ever again! It is too much to ask that I pay lower or even NO
taxes, but it is well within my rights to ask that I dont have to pay
for the postage on my tax return. I pay my taxes every year and rarely
get back any sort of refund. Thats just part of being an independent
contractor. When I am sending off too large a piece of my hard-earned
money, it is a horribly insulting slap in the face to add an extra
thirty-seven cents to the mix! Come on, cant we get a postage paid
envelope from the government for the tax return? Im sure that the
government can write the entire expense off on their own returns or
something. Having to pay that extra money for the stamp is the
equivalent of being dumped by a girl, engaging in a lengthy argument
and storming off, only to be stopped by your ex so she can yell, And youve got a REALLY SMALL PENIS! No more stamp and youve got my vote!
I want to make English the official language of the United States and
pass a law requiring all citizens to become proficient in its use,
especially if you have ANY type of job where youll interact with real
people. Im all for respecting other peoples varied and beautiful
cultures, living in the melting pot, and blah blah blah! If you want to
preserve your culture, preserve it in ENGLISH! Im tired of trying to order a burger and needing a damn interpreter. If I moved to Japan, Id be EXPECTED
to learn Japanese. If I lived in Mexico Id have to learn Spanish. If I
lived in England - well, Id have to speak English. Bad example. Why not
create a NEW form of English called American English. Think of
the jobs you could create. Wed need language teachers, a new
dictionary, new text books . . . Why, this could save this country from
ruin. What can be MORE patriotic and Uh-Murican then having our own language? Make it so, Number One!
3) I would like to see In God We Trust removed from our money.
We dont trust anybody in this country and God shouldnt get a pass. That
damned phrase wasnt always on our cash because we understood what it
meant to separate church and state. The churches want that phrase on
our money but thats because THEY DONT PAY TAXES! If the
churches want to start paying some of their money in taxes then Ill let
the removal of the offensive phrase slide. Besides, some of us dont
trust God at all. God allowed 9/11, 8 Track tapes, disco music &
Beanie Babies to happen. I cant keep on trusting this guy! Apparently
all I can trust God to do is provide great athletic performances and
let Mariah Carey win Grammy Awards. Removing the phrase will honor the
Constitution AND piss off Jerry Falwell. A win/win situation, Id say.
4) The Chicago Cubs MUST win the World Series once before I die. Use all means necessary even if it means invading New York, Atlanta or Florida. Thats all I have to say about that.
I want a law requiring all political candidates to remove each and
every damned campaign sign from every sign post, alley wall, lawn and
billboard within two weeks after an election is held. Im STILL finding places with tattered Dukakis for President signs. You made the mess, you clean it up!
6) I want to be able to fire government employees - ALL government employees - whenever they are not doing their jobs. Theres
a great little perk to a cushy government job in the U.S.. That perk:
it is nearly impossible for a person to lose their job, even due to
gross incompetence. There is no consequence for failure or
inefficiency. Theoretically, a Postal worker could crap on the counter
at the Post Office while giving me my change and that guy would still
have a job the next day. This is a total crock! It provides all
government employees an excuse to do their job poorly and it throws out
the concept of accountability. Take away this silly clause for everyone
from the guy who delivers my mail to the highest office in the land
& you will have a vote from me. 7) If you can find a way
to make Renaissance Fairs, Civil War reenactments, and Carrot Top
movies illegal that would be appreciated.
The last three all pertain to voting and the ballots used to vote.
Find the cash, give it to the states, and make it possible for all 50
states to use the exact same ballots, the exact same voting machines,
and the exact same voting procedures. Make the process simple, the ballots easy to read (and RE-READ IF NECESSARY),
and make our country follow one simple set of rules. While youre at it,
the machines and ballots must be made by a politically independent
company. If you want to fix your elections in Florida or anywhere else,
do it the old fashioned way: kill dissenting voters & intimidate
other voters into your way of thinking. If you cant do this simple
little thing then you have no choice but to ban Florida from the Union
and disallow all votes cast by the feeble-minded or the elderly. This
should prevent both George Bushes, and 80% of Florida, from fucking up
the election again.
9) When making those ballots be sure to include a None of the Above option.
There are emergency procedures in place for when an elected official
dies, becomes incapacitated, gets a cold, etc. Create a system that
will allow for a temporary, or even the incumbent, official to run
things while suitable, BETTER candidates can come out and gain
the publics trust. It is insulting to everyone involved that we have
been stuck with having to vote AGAINST someone as opposed to voting FOR
someone for so many years. If we dont like the idiots on the ballot,
what better way to express the COUNTRYS opinion then to display a mandate for change like a whopping None of the Above winner? Suck on that, Electoral College! 10) Finally, we MUST outlaw the straight party ticket voting. For
those unfamiliar with this, straight party ticket voting is where a
voter need only punch one button or make one single selection to vote
for all the candidates in one specific party. Since the U.S. really
only acknowledges two parties, this means that you can vote for
everyone in the Republican or Democratic party with one stroke of a
pen. I suppose if all businesses are required by law to give employees
one hour out of the day to vote, then we have the right to maximize our
time away from the office.
Straight party voting is, quite
simply, for slothful morons . If you dont have the time to learn a
little about all the candidates in order to make an informed vote and
guarantee that the most qualified person gets the job, then you dont
deserve to live in the good old U.S. of A. Straight party voting
assumes that Americans are ignorant and stupid. Sadly, it appears that
we are because many people take advantage of this voting feature,
making a mockery of the precious vote we are all promised in a
People who blindly back a political party have no
concern for the wants and needs of the people in the country. Folks who
use this voting option care nothing about the advancement and
betterment of the country as a whole. They simply want their team to
win. This team mentality, while fine if watching baseball or NASCAR
races, cripples the country, and those who put the party before the
people should be ashamed of their lazy simpleton actions.
Ive stated in the past I dont like to discuss politics because of how
many people dont allow for dissenting opinion. They discount your
beliefs in order to bolster their own fragile egos. They make folks who
are hoping to make the world a better place feel uncomfortable and
sorry for engaging in casual talk about important things. Mostly, they
make blanket statements about how things would be if so-and-so won any
given election, even though theres NO WAY to prove their
statement. Well Id like to make an impossible statement of my own. Even
though it cannot be proven I am confident that it is completely true.
September 11, 2001, as an aircraft was plunged into the Pentagon, when
passengers overtook the terrorists and foiled an evil plot by steering
the plane into the Pennsylvania soil, as the Twin Towers collapsed into
ruin, not a single person thought to himself, I sure am glad I am a Republican. Nobody said, Thank GOD I am a Democrat. There were no people crying, Dont blame me. I voted for Nader.
people were likely wondering who would take care of their families.
They feared for their lives. They hoped all the trust theyd been
putting in God would help them in this time of need. They wondered what
would become of the world they were leaving behind. They also didnt
give a damn about gay marriage, Bush and Kerrys war records, and
whether or not there were weapons in Iraq.
PEOPLE died that day.
PEOPLE. As we watched the horror on our TV screens we wanted to know,
"How can we help those people?" PEOPLE need help in this country every
day. Political afiliations should have nothing to do with it all.
Want More Tales from Andy Land? Check out Andy's BLOG or Click HERE to Read Andy's Past Works at The Cheers.